#311

• Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck?
• He was grading papers on a curve.

#312

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

#313

A guy walked into a bar with his giraffe. He ordered a drink, and the giraffe lay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can't leave that lying there!"

"Err," the man said, "It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

#314

• What lives in the sea and yells?
• A clam shouter.

#315

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

#316

• What's the opposite of a somersault?
• A winter pepper.

#317

• What do kids like to eat in the playground?
• Recess Pieces.

#318

• Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
• He couldn't control his pupils.

#319

• What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
• A fence.

#320

• What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake?
• Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.