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Page 6


One of the funniest things I've ever seen was when my dog was a puppy, and we put a collar on her for the first time. She pawed at her neck and ran all crazy against the walls trying to get it off. I think they should get rid of those cornball comics in nightclubs and just put a bunch of puppies with new collars on stage.


If fingers had eyes, I think they'd be scared when you're driving down the highway and you put your hand out the window.


If I ever invent a snack food, I think my advertising angle will go like this: it's the snack food that doesn't cause a sonic boom when you eat it, dance coolly over other jealous snack foods, make you jump wildly around the room, incite you to wrestle the box away from your great grandmother, or inspire inanimate objects such as your house to shriek with ecstasy. It just tastes good.


I think people who blow their life savings on lottery tickets should be forced to take a remedial course in mathematical probability. Buying as many as 10,000 tickets still doesn't appreciably increase the odds of winning. You have a better chance of getting hit by lightning. Actually, let's go with the lightning thing instead of the math class.


I think the present tense of "mustang" is "musting," but nobody I ask will tell me for sure.


Polite manners regarding the consumption of soup is ridiculous. You have to put the spoon in the soup by sliding it away from you. You can't put the spoon in your mouth; you have to put one side of it on your lips and pour the soup in with a slight, genteel slurp. It's absurd. You can't even lick the bowl. The next time I get invited to a posh, upper-class dinner, I'm not only going to eat the soup this way, I'm going to eat everything else this way, too. Everyone will watch me take my spoon, fill it with peas, put the side of the spoon to my lips, and pour them in with a genteel slurp. I'll do that with the salmon hollandaise and angel food cake, too. I'll feel like an idiot, but everybody will marvel at how unfailingly polite I am. Then I'll burp really loud to make my point.


I know what causes weight gain. There's a worldwide panic about weight control, and everybody is trying to come up with a new way to eat less, and food producers are trying to manufacture stuff that looks and tastes like food but doesn't contain any actual food substances. They got it all wrong. You don't get thin by eating less. You get thin by eating more. We all know that practice makes perfect, right? Well the only way your digestive system is going to get good at flushing fat from your body is if you provide it with numerous opportunities to get good at it. If you diet, your system gets rusty, and then whatever fat you do put into it is absorbed on the spot. Birds eat five times their weight every day, but you don't see birds suffering from obesity very often, do you? I think I've made my point.


I've had it with video rentals. Renting the tapes isn't so bad; it's returning them afterward that's the downer. What a waste of time. Video rentals should have free delivery and pickup services. But then I wouldn't be able to browse through the aisles of video boxes and rent whatever movie had the most effective graphic artist for the box cover, which is how nature intended videos to be selected. So video rentals should actually be these huge trucks. You want a video? The truck drives to your house, you climb in the back, browse the selection, and rent something right there. They come pick it up when you're done with it. I think a great way to kidnap someone would be to pose as a video rental truck, wait till he climbs in the back, then shut the door on him when he's not looking.


In the interests of sanity and kindheartedness, I think we should coordinate huge efforts to remove, in a discreet manner, deceased trees from forests. How would you like to be in a crowded room standing shoulder to shoulder with dead people?


It's a good thing time can keep moving by its own momentum. If there were any friction slowing it down, we'd eventually stop and get real bored sitting in one place for the rest of ever. I think the space-time continuum is just one big air hockey table.