Latest Additions: 1/23/08

#206

I like how French people all wear smocks and carry palettes around everywhere. I went to France once. I forgot my smock, so everybody stared at me. I went to a deli in Paris, and the guy behind the counter had a palette with condiments on it. I asked for ketchup and mayonnaise, and he said, "Stupid American!" But he obliged, taking a knife and cutting away some of the red stuff and some of the white stuff, mixing it up a little, and painting it on my hot dog. He was a pointillist, so it took a while.

#207

I think it's a chilling reminder of my mortality, that I am never more than a few hours from that grisly implosion of a death known as starvation. No matter how much I eat, before long the cravings resurface, and the withdrawal symptoms ravage my innards. "I am Snook Draddots," I would say, were my name actually Snook Draddots, "and I am a food addict." It's a sad story, but it's true. I was a food baby, in fact. My mother was using when she was pregnant with me. I've been on food ever since. It's wrecked my life. For my first fifteen years, I experienced rapid weight gain, and the digestive symptoms that persist to this day are too unpleasant to discuss. I've been unable to quit. The patch -- where you duct tape some potato salad to your arm every morning -- doesn't help at all. One time I had a 16 hour flight across the Pacific, during which time I ate nothing that could be remotely described as food, but I fell off the wagon shortly after landing. But enough is enough. I've come to an epiphany about just how much I've let food run my life for me, and it's time for that to stop. No more food for me. I'm quitting food cold turkey.

#208

Computers have feelings, too. You get to know computer moods if you spend enough time with them. My laptop is getting on in years. It has a hard time getting started in the morning. Sometimes it's sluggish, as if it just can't think of a reason to keep on going. But I think what computers need is just what we all need: some encouragement, a little kindness, and good friends. So I bought it a friend. I bought another laptop of roughly the same power and capacity (don't want to nurture an inferiority complex), and I hooked them up to an ethernet hub, so they can hang out together. When they're not on the job, they chat with each other to pass the time. One time I overheard some of their conversation -- accidentally, I assure you -- and it was pretty boring. Mostly it was just, "Are you there?" -- "Yup." -- "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." -- "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." -- "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." -- "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." -- "Are you still there?" -- "Yup." But it keeps them happy.