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#166

You know you're living in an age of wealth and excess when there is a huge market for things that aren't for anything. I have on my desk what is called a "paddle-wheel timer." It does not time anything, so far as I can tell, but it does have a wheel in it. It's one of these plastic desk toys that have assorted colored liquids in it that run up and down obstacle courses when you flip them upside down. I also want to get one of those hurricane-in-a-jar toys, where you take this jar filled with assorted non-mixable chemicals, shake it around, and observe, for the three quarters of a second that it lasts, what appears to be a tiny tornado. These toys are all fine, but I think we should be making life-sized versions of these toys, with actual people inside to put in peril. Giant machines would be required to flip or shake them, but think of the payoff! Run, bratty kid next door, before the twister sucks you up and dumps you into the paddle wheel, where viscous blue blobs of goo roll down the network of plastic ramps toward you! Whoa, there goes the boss, lifted up through that little funnel thing by a frenzied stream of air bubbles! Mwahahahaha!