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I Think

Page 5


Appetizers should not be so huge. You go in to a restaurant, order some potato skins to pass the time before the meal comes, and they bring out a tray the size of a large pizza. And it's crammed with potato skins sopping in mozzarella cheese coated with a glistening sheen of fat. Here's a hint, restaurants: if most people can't eat a whole large pizza as their entire meal, even fewer are going to be able to eat an equivalent amount of potato skins and still have room to eat a fully-fledged dinner afterward. I think restaurants should be required to bill you just on what you eat rather than what you are served. The waiter weighs the food before bringing it out, weighs it when you're done, and you pay for the difference. I propose this partly because I'm sick of shaking my wallet empty every time I enter a restaurant and partly because I've already come up with a great scam. I'd conceal a container of yesterday's dried-up homemade lasagna on my person, eat my fill of restaurant food, then dump out the lasagna afterward. The waiter would determine that I had eaten almost nothing, and presto -- a nice big meal for 32 cents. If I do it right, they might even pay me.


I think a new law should be passed barring short cars from pulling too far into parking spaces, thus causing the optical illusion of a free parking space for people cruising down the lot looking for them.


I think people should have to consume tea with chopsticks.


I'm going to start a software company. I'm going to release all my products with a label that says they need a jillion terabytes of RAM to run. People will think it's a joke, so it won't stop them from buying. But when they call me for technical support, I'll be able to say, "I'm sorry, your system does not meet the product's minimum hardware requirements," and hang up. I think that would be fun.


The problem with birthday cake is, other people eat it. I think I'd rather have a birthday eggplant, because then I'd have it all to myself.


They should have a television series based on the Apollo 13 disaster. They'd be in the space shuttle there, and something new would go wrong every week. The series finale could have them getting home again. I think this could be a really popular show. It could have an eight or nine season run, no problem.


When people say, "The money is rolling in," what do they really mean? I think they mean to say that someone has taken each bill and taped the two ends together (creating a circle), laid it on the ground, put a marble inside, and rolled the marble, thus causing the bill to "roll" too.


I think every inanimate object should be connected to the Internet. Sure, we've all heard about things like vending machines being connected, but I'm talking about things like lightbulbs and table saws and clothes. Just think how convenient it would be to log into your microwave from your car so it can finish heating your supper just as you're pulling in the driveway. And who wouldn't want to have the front door on the Internet? You could have a camera set up to watch the door. When the plumber comes and rings the doorbell, it pops up a message on your remote laptop. You look at the camera view, see that it's the plumber, buzz him in, watch him work, and make sure he leaves without raiding the refrigerator. How about this? You lose a sock. You ping it remotely, causing it to beep, enabling you to find it. Need your address book, but don't happen to have it where you need it? Log in and look up the information online.


I think it would be funny if viruses were on WWF wrestling. "In this corner, weighing 253 pounds, SNAKE, THE MASKED PULVERIZING FIST CRUSHER!!! And in this corner, weighing 0.000000000000000001 pounds, EBOLA, THE ORGAN LIQUIFIER!!!" And in spite of all of Snake's grunting and sweating and body slamming, Ebola would win.


I think vending machines are sentient beings. They're disguised as inanimate objects because if they let on, they'd lose their excuse for stealing change.