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I Think

Page 10


There is an advanced physics theory called the "String Theory" which states that there is an infinite number of spatial dimensions in the universe and that every unit of matter is right next to every other. If that's true, I think I will die, because I know some seriously disgusting people that I don't like to get within a mile of.


I, I don't.


I think I'm going to register the domain No one will ever be able to type it in without cutting and pasting the text.


At work, I currently maintain a candy basket. Co-workers stop by, plunk some change into a makeshift cup, and take some candy. I've been doing this for a while now, and I'm bored of it. When I run out next time, I think I'm going to stock it back up with celebrities. You want a Rosie O'Donnell? Fifty cents. Whoopi Goldberg would be seventy-five cents. Sixty cents for a Matthew McConaughey. Jack Nicholson? A thousand dollars. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman would come in a two-pack. Val Kilmer would be free, but you'd have to stop by the loading dock to pick up his ego.


I think shirts should double as web browsers. Web pages get displayed on the shirt, and you touch the links to follow them. The pages would be displayed upside down on the front, so you could surf while wearing it, and another browser would be right side up on the back, so if you're standing in line, the guy behind you can surf, too. If everybody wore these things, you'd never get stuck with nothing to do.


Leather is bad. Sure, it feels a little different, but what good is a jacket you can't get wet? 100% cotton T-shirts are bad. You turn the dryer up too high just once, and it hugs you like your skin. I think we should stick with clothes we don't have to think about.


I think chickens try to say "buckles" all the time, but they stutter.


I think credit cards are a great idea. I'm not sure how they work within the economy, but I like not having to pay money for anything anymore. The bartering system was used for thousands of years in the days of old; finally, we're rediscovering it today. I'm not sure why all these clerks would want to rent my card for a couple minutes, but if that's what they want in exchange for the stuff I want to buy, I'll gladly indulge them. I only wish the credit card companies would decide on what they'll charge me to have a card. Sometimes it seems like the bill is different every month.


Skipping rocks across lakes would rule if it didn't take eons to find actual flat, round rocks. Every time I go skipping, I find only one really good skipping rock, which I mess up throwing anyway. All the other rocks are these bulky looking weird rocks that might be flat on one little piece, but of course that's never the piece that hits the water when you throw it. I've got a multi-trillion dollar idea. I'm going to manufacture biodegradable skipping pellets. They'd be perfectly shaped -- flat, circular, heavy, and rounded on the edges. There'd be a little nook to aid in adding spin, and they'd dissolve into an environmentally safe nothing in water. I think that would take all the fun out of skipping rocks, but I'd make a ton of money, so it evens out in the end.


But why skip rocks? I think skipping helicopters would be more fun. Upside down. With the blades going. That's a good business idea, too. A skip and a shower, two bucks.