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I Think

Page 4


I think, if I were to become a cyborg, I'd want all the fingers on my right hand to be different sized Dremel tools. And I'd have a little compartment in my wrist for all the attachments.


Paychecks are more fun when you're paid by the hour, because each paycheck is a different amount. It's exciting to open up the envelope and see what amount you get each week. If you're on salary, it's not so exciting. You get the same figure week in and week out. It's probably direct deposit, which means you don't even get to hold something meaningful in your hand. I think the company should randomize the amount salaried employees get paid each week. It would all work out even by the year's end, of course, but the weekly amount could be anything. One week, "Hooray! I got four thousand dollars!" Another week, "Aw man, five bucks for the third week in a row. I got bills to pay!"


I straightened out a paper clip today. It's not easy, because when you get to the last bend, the wire likes to swivel around between your fingers causing you to bend it further rather than straighten it out. But I did it. I'm the straightener. I found a use for my straightened out paper clip. I slipped it inside my wedding band so my palm and ring finger conceal it. Now I can walk up to someone, yank it out with my other hand, and say something like, "HA!" and it would be terrifying. I told a friend of mine about this, and he said it didn't sound all that threatening. So I figure I could tie a match stick to the end and glue sandpaper to my palm. Then when I pull it out, it flares up. "HA!" I would say, and it would be scary because I could set people on fire, at least until the wire got too hot to hold. My friend wasn't daunted by this idea either. He suggested I put poison on the end of it, but I think that's stupid, because it doesn't sound very threatening to pull out a wire and say, "HA! ... and you better be scared or I'll make you eat this, and it's got poison on the end of it, so you'd die." So I think I'll use a loaded Uzi to scare people and settle for adopting the straightened out paper clip as my personal insignia.


Something very scary happens to grown adults when they get around babies. They talk funny. Suddenly they have to refer to themselves in the third person. "Mommy's going to go fix dinner now," Mommy says. "Yeah, and Baby'll chew on this doorknob until you get back," Baby thinks. Small wonder this nation's literacy rate is so low. Parents take awkward yet deliberate steps to avoid teaching their children what a pronoun is. I think a new law should be created to regulate this. All new parents should have to wear collars rigged with electrical devices. Whenever Mommy says "Mommy" or Daddy says "Daddy," the collar detects it and administers a friendly corrective action consisting of a few hundred volts. That should do the trick.


I hate Fridays. Most people love them, because it means the work week is almost over. These people are silly. All Friday is is almost Saturday, and that's just a tease. My favorite day is Saturday, because I get to sleep in late and stay up late. I think I'm going to talk to my friends at work about organizing a strike. Our solitary demand would be that every day would be marked Saturday on the company calendar. It wouldn't matter if the company conceded, thereby ending the strike. Either way, I wouldn't have to go back to work.


The usual size of soft drinks served at concession stands in movie theaters is approximately one gallon. The movie Titanic is almost four hours long, and the sound of running water is present in almost every scene. Call me crazy, but I think there's a conspiracy at work here.


I think Al Gore is a robot. Think about it -- what does any robot need to function? Algorithms. Al Gore Ithms. Coincidence?


I hate being a pedestrian at an intersection with a crosswalk where right turns are allowed at red lights. You push the button. When the "walk" light shows up, only some of the cars have to wait. Cars making right turns are still allowed to roll you flat. I say when I'm crossing the street, everybody -- and I mean everybody -- had better keep the brakes on until I'm well out of the way. There's nothing more disconcerting than putting my life into somebody else's hands. I think all crosswalks should have these walls on either side that shoot out of the road when the "walk" light lights and don't come back down until optical sensors detect that everyone's finished crossing. This would also fix the problem where the lights only let you get half way across the street before letting cars go again.


The utilities necessary for normal domestic life are electricity, water, telephone, and gas or oil services, and optionally cable or satellite TV. I think there should be another: the fruit punch dispenser. In the kitchen, next to the water faucet, there should be a faucet for fruit punch. You want a glass of punch? Turn on the faucet. It saves trips to the store, which, for all you know, might be closed the next time you have a craving. Every month, you pay the fruit punch bill, which would be one low rate for the "standard" service or one slightly less low rate for the "extra fruity" service. Of course, there would be some initial fees involved in getting the punch pipes installed in your home, but I'm sure it'll be cheaper in the long run.


Why are shopping carts still the most technologically advanced method of shopping at grocery stores? You know what I'm talking about -- the wire mesh behemoths that are scientifically engineered to go every direction except straight and have a knack for occupying all the available parking spaces in the lot when you arrive. I think a new shopping method should be invented. How about a voice-controlled robot that follows you around the store like a faithful dog, dutifully picking up whatever items you tell it to? It would bag everything and calculate the total price as you go along -- so once you get to the cash register, you pay and leave -- no hassle, no waiting. It could even load the groceries in the car for you.