Another bit of immature self-pitying from yours truly. As is often the case, I meander around and never really make a point, or make more than one and they're aren't really related.

The last couple of threads (Brunnen-G, Dagmar, and Matthew's) have all been interesting. I read the whole thread, make my own opinion, and prepare to write a post of my own. But something happens. I stare at the intelligent, well-worded post I'm replying to, and then the blank space below, and then I realize whatever it was I was going to say won't be as important or interesting. Who's going to read it? Am I just repeating something already brought up, and brought up more intelligently? Who cares? Since I've made an idiot of myself in the forum before, are people going to see my name and pass it over?

Then I wonder what makes me so insecure. My theory is it's because I'm an adolescent (please don't call me a teenager), and haven't yet discovered what 'works'. I mean, all I know is how to act like a little kid, and of course a little kid's opinions aren't going to count in a discussion about the current intelligence of the forum or how people live in the big city. And of course you can imagine how thrilled I am to be considered on a child's level (whether people actually consider me this way, or if I'm just imagining it, or what).

I think I'm pretty mature, although I know I have a long way to go. My family and friends think I'm mature, but come on. My family's lived with me every day of my life, they know exactly how I am. None of you do (yes, you know a few things about me, but you've never seen me when I wake up at five in the morning, and you don't know how my face looks when I get mad and try not to show it). And all my friends are around my age and younger, so they're my equals. And you're not my equals.

I guess what I'm basically trying to say here is that you're all very intelligent, mature, witty, and all that, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I feel like compared to you, my opinion isn't worth old toothpaste. And perhaps this entire post doesn't mean anything, because you've all been adolescents, right? You all know what I'm talking about, so there's no point in my talking about it.

No, I'm not chronically depressed or suicidal. This has been bothering me for quite some time, and I just felt like putting the cards on the table, so to speak. If that's even the metaphor I want.

Qua "/immature self-pitying rant" rtz