Anyone who is reading this post looking for something about the Smashing Pumpkins, stop here. I just thought that was a cool subject line.

I just realized what it is that bothers me the most these days about the end of my relationship with Amanda. It's not the end of the relationship, or the loss of someone I thought I was going to marry. It's the loss of the friendship.

In theory, the friendship is not lost, but it will never be the same. Before I was able to maintain my friendship with her because I believed certain things about her which were more important to me than certain shortcomings. Now, though, the balance has shifted, and those shortcomings make me not really want her as a friend anymore.

The problem with the loss of the friendship is actually one that started long before we broke up. What I liked about my friendship with Amanda was that I could talk to her about almost ANYTHING. I have other friends who I could do this with, but for some things, they just don't want to listen, or don't want to talk about some things. With Amanda, though, almost anything that I felt like talking about, I could carry on a conversation with her about. If there was something on my mind, I could just call her up and we could yak about it for an hour or two.

When she moved to Lethbridge to continue her education, that started to change. Her studies were very important to her, and she did not want to spend the time on meaningless subjects as much. I don't fault her for this; I agree with her in principle, and am proud that she took a stand with me and simply said "no" at times. However, this did create a void in my life. Once we broke up, this void grew. Now I have people I can talk to about SOME things whenever I want, but there are some things that NOBODY in my life wants to yak about for hours on end.

In a way, this has been a good thing. I do not tend to talk people's ears off as much as I used to. Of course, in other ways, I am now STARVING for conversation. This shows up in the way I post to the Forum and the way I talk in RinkChat. I bring up all sorts of things, trying desperately to get a conversation going. Of course, many of these things are of no interest to others, and again, those people are blameless in this. The other problem, of course, is that I like voice conversations, and the internet, while providing a reasonable substitute, is simply not the same.

The other thing that really bugs me now is the way I come up with an idea or something, and want to talk to someone about it. For the first month or so after Amanda broke up with me, I would instinctively reach for the phone to call her, but now I have broken that habit. Instead, I look for someone else who might be interested, but if I do not find anyone, I just stifle the thoughts. That is beginning to drive me MAD. (Well, not really. I am being a BIT melodramatic.)

Anyway, now I know what to look for in new friends. I need to find people who can sit there and listen to me, and share ideas back and forth, and ramble on forever. I need all this IRL, too, but in the meantime, all you great people are going to continue to be the brunt of my rambling. :-)

I think that's about it. Just wanted to get that off my chest, and maybe start up a conversation with it... ;-)

Don "Starved" Monkey