Whew. Where to begin?

Well, suffice it to say I've only seen about half of this movie, and I can already safely say it is one of the top five worst films I have ever seen.

If you're not familar with this film series (there are a couple of these, all with "Rollerblade" in the title), it takes place in a post-apocalyptic future with these good monks/nuns who preach about the goodness of peace and beauty...all while riding around in tight spandex or all black, beating people up and severing limbs.

There's no plot here -- just a bunch of skating around and fighting with the occasional break for some dialogue, which was apparently all made up on the set.

Not only does it look like the dialogue was written on site, it looks like the director just called a bunch of friends over, asked them to bring all their old sports equipment, S&M clothes, and Halloween costumes. (There are people dressed as ninjas, Desert Storm troops, the bastard sons of Sid Vicious, and leather chicks.) In fact, you'd SWEAR that's what they did if it weren't for the presence of "profesional" actors like Rhonda Shear, Joe Estevez, and Frank Stallone.

Some of the more interesting things:

* Kabuiki, a skater samurai who attacks using two Nerf bats. The most dreaded MIME of Death!

* Some dude in a black robe who is supposed to be the devil or something.

* There's a bunch of junk about the dark side and the light side.

* Some dude playing the drums out in desert gets danced around by two chicks in dominatrix gear. This is supposed to be Limbo, I guess, since this chick in a pink thong leotard who is supposed to be one of the heroes winds up kneeling there dancing for the guy after she is "sent to limbo."

* Father Donaldo, who is interesting only because, (a) he is replaced halfway through the movie with a guy who has an arm in front of his face (a la Bela Lugosi's replacement in "Plan 9 From Outer Space," (b) he is played by the director, (c) he has his dialogue atrociously dubbed by a graduate of the William...Shatner...School of...Dramatic...Pauses. He also gets the best line in the movie (see below).

* A scene after which the forces of darkness begin to spread across the land, where it looks as if the actors ran out of things to do. They decided to play Howard Stern and get the female actresses to take off their clothes for the camera. Makes me feel better that the forces of darkness are run by a 13 year old mentality.

* A fight scene where the hero, Hawk, throws a knife into a woman's mouth, handle first, and she slowly spins around and slits the throat of the guy holding her hostage while the blade is in her mouth. It's supposed to look like it's in slow motion (the guy screams slowly and tries to fall back slowly), but the motion of the waves in the back gives it away.

* A rollerblader in a white ski mask and all white, except for his goggles, a black top hat and his hockey gloves. He skates around with Kabuiki and skates around all the fight scenes playing the banjo (despite the fact that he is wearing hockey gloves). Let me tell you, there is nothing that sets the mood for a good Rollerblade Ninja/Samurai battle than a good ol' fashioned banjo solo!

* Some old fat dude sitting in a beach chair in the middle of the desert, wearing nothing but a speedo, a black dress jacket, AND a top hat.

* The big booming voice of "The Watcher," a narrator who attempts to explain all the crap that is going on.

* Some dude in a wheel chair and camouflage who leads "The United Skates of America."

* The best torture scene since "Barbarian Queen" (snakes and a chair with straps).

And, incidentially, there is no Rollerblade 7. Closest we get is when Kabuki, the chick in the pink leotard, and Hawk are wandering around for no apparent reason beating people up.

Rating: 4.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: The badly dubbed scenes in the final half of the movie, starring the Father Donaldo; what the heck is with the drummer?

Best Line: "This sword has much killing left to do." (gives sword to Hawk) "Now go in peace."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Pretty much the whole movie.

Response From RinkWorks:

Wow. I *have* to see this movie.