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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

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Evolver

Posted by: Jo_be
Date Submitted: Tuesday, July 27, 1999 at 09:05:16
Date Posted: Monday, August 2, 1999 at 19:15:22

Here is an example of a truly stupid movie. The plot is so simple, it's easy to figure out.

"Evolver" is the name of a robot that looks like some sort of height problem. The robot is constructed by Q (from "Star Trek: The Next Generation") as some sort of toy or experiment or something.

Anyway, turns out this same professor (we'll call him "Q") works with the military on an automated killing machine that could...EVOLVE!

The hero of the film is a teenager; everyone knows is really scared because of some weird deaths at his school. He and his girlfriend start to figure out that it is Evolver who's killing people. After that, he gets a call from his little sister, who says that she put the batteries back in Evolver and is playing a game with him. Then there's a "Beat the Clock" scene with the hero and his girlfriend racing back to his house. Meanwhile, Evolver says stuff like, "Let's play!" and goes into the kitchen and loads up on steakknives and a cleaver. Evolver tries to kill the little girl with them. But the hero arrives, shoots Evolver with a toy gun, and all is well.

NOT!

Naturally, Evolver isn't really dead. So when Q comes to pick it up, he checks it out in a truck driven by the Maytag Man's fatter, greaser brother. Evolver kills them both and goes back to enact revenge.

Evolver goes back to the house and rips off "Transformers" in a really bad scene (there are a lot of those in this movie). Then he uses the same toy gun to trap the mom and girl in some sort of laser trap. The hero is in the house by now and calls to his mom. But then the Micro Machine from hell sort of rolls down the stairs, bounces off one side, and arrives at the ground floor.

At the end of the movie, when everyone thinks all is safe, the camera focuses on one of Evolver's chest plates. It's still glowing, as if that's supposed to be scary. Does this mean that Evolver will come back to life?!? No. It means someone forgot to blow out the candle inside his chest.

Rating: 2 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Military tests.

Best line: "Now it's over."

Things that make you go "Huh?": How a two bit ASCII computer can display MPEG-2 quality video.


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