Yor, the Hunter From the Future (1982)

First of all, let me say this right now: whoever thought it was a good idea to name the lead character of a movie "Yor" should be taken to the woodshed and beaten with a switch. How many brain cells do you have to have in good working order to be able to figure out that having the name of a character be homonyms with the second person possessive is just not a good idea? It might have been a good joke if Yor's companions had been named "Mai" and "Hurs," but of course it wasn't a joke at all; it was just stupidity.

The first thing you notice when watching this movie is the ridiculous 70s soundtrack. Here's another hint for all you would-be fantasy movie producers: don't go putting period music in your film unless you're absolutely certain that the soundtrack is going to go triple platinum and the songs therein will become part of our cultural heritage. Otherwise, your movie will just end up being horribly dated once tastes change and good sense wins out.

The plot of this movie has something to do with Yor and his heritage. It seems that Yor has a pretty medallion that nobody can decipher, so naturally he has to go find out what it means. In his travels, he meets up with a woman named Kala and an old man named Pag. They are the last remnants of a village that was attacked by some vaguely evil guys who grunt a lot. Grunting is a major theme in this movie, actually. You can always tell the evil guys, because they're the ones who grunt incessantly and without obvious purpose.

Pag's only purpose in the movie is to recite his lines as stupidly as possible and shoot things. He manages the first perfectly but has trouble with the second, as at least once he could have saved the day by shooting things with his bow and arrow, and instead he stood around stupidly and watched.

Yor, Kala, and Pag meet up with another woman, Roa, who has narrowly missed being trapped in a glacier in the desert. She also has a medallion like Yor's, but some water catches on fire, and she ends up dying before anything can come of it. It's a good thing, too, because Kala was getting jealous.

The three stooges journey on and find another village living inches away from an object they believe might explode violently at any second. Yor saves the daughter of the village leader and wins her as a prize. Kala starts to get jealous again, but Yor refuses the prize, much to her delight.

Right up until this point, I was mildly enjoying the stupidity in this movie. It is at this point, however, that the movie takes a drastic turn and starts to be a bad Star Wars clone. This might have been funny if it hadn't been so slow and boring. Yor, Pag, and Kala set to sea in a boat made of straw (with a sail about as wide as a man's back) and discover the mystical island where the last remnants of a great civilization live. Everyone gets captured, things happen pretty randomly, and there are a bunch of laser gun fights. The only redeeming feature of this half of the movie are the laser guns. Light from these guns travels at approximately 25 miles per hour. It moves so slowly people actually have time to dodge the blasts, and when the beams hit things, you can see the end of the beam catch up with the beginning.

There are probably a few people out there who would like this movie. It was relatively good production-value wise, and actually had a few decent special effects. Some bad movie lovers might like it, but I can't recommend it.

Scene to watch for: Kala is "lost" in battle.

Best line: "Kala has been entrusted to my care. She will not leave your side."

Things that make you go "Huh?": Kala asking about the medallion.