> May 5 - Mission: Impossible III

Your mission, if you choose to accept it: take a scrawny, goofy-looking, five-foot-four-inch Scientologist and make him into an action star. Your career will self-distruct in fifteen seconds.

> May 5 - Hoot
>
> A family comedy about some kids that fight to protect cute, endangered owls.

Yeah, Free Willy hasn't been remade enough times yet. Good thing there was still one type of animal to make this movie about.

> May 12 - Alpha Dog
>
> Nick Cassavetes directs this crime drama about a drug dealer who became one of the youngest men to appear on the FBI's most wanted list. Cassavetes is talented but unreliable (best known for "The Notebook," perhaps). The trailer looks like a lot of angsty posing and not much fun.

At least it's not a movie about a dog who leads a sports team to victory. Because Air Bud has DEFINITELY been remade enough times.

> May 19 - See No Evil
>
> Here's another brilliantly original premise. Some people go to a secluded hotel, only to discover a psychopathic killer is on the loose. Man, where do they come UP with these?

Dude, there's plenty of originality here. This is set not in a secluded campground, but a secluded HOTEL. See? It's different!

> May 19 - Over the Hedge
>
> When did CG animation become the exclusive province of slapstick comedies about talking animals?

That would be about when Shrek passed the seven trillion dollar mark.

> May 19 - The Da Vinci Code
>
> Dan Brown's heretical book became the most popular adult book of all time when it sold six skillion copies -- nearly a thirtieth of what Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince sold the first day. ... Don't care.

How on earth can you make a movie out of random conspiracy ravings? I don't think I can be arsed to find out. I wonder if the book would have sold even a dozen copies if people hadn't started screaming "heresy!"

> May 31 - Blood Car
>
> The IMDb plot outline: "In the near future, gas prices are at an astronomical high. One man is determined to find an alternate fuel source. That alternate fuel source turns out to be blood...HUMAN BLOOD."

ZOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG BEST MOVIE EVAR!

Like I said to Sam earlier, never mind the premise, feel the title. BLOOD CAR!

Also promising is that the web site is currently one solitary flash animation with no title.

> June 2 - The Break-Up
>
> Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston break up. Ooo, chalk this one up next to See No Evil.

The only thing worse than a "two celebrities fall in love" movie is a "two celebrities break up" movie. At least this one tells you right up front that it sucks instead of trying to disguise itself.

> June 6 - The Omen
>
> Every conceivable reason for this movie has a $ somewhere in it.

So much for my belief that filmmakers are pure beings of light and hope who are never motivated by money, then. Well, there's still Kevin Smith!

> June 9 - Cars

Can't possibly be interesting. Unless of course they're BLOOD CARS, in which case I'll see it twice.

> June 16 - Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties

Can't get much worse than that for title, anyhow. A pun, a Dickensian reference, and an implication that it'll be a "two CG cats fall in love" movie. Which now that I think about it is worse than two celebrities.

> June 16 - Sssslither

YES! This one's promising enough to compete with BLOOD CAR. They should get together and make a sequel called BBBBLOOD CCCCAR! With plenty of sweet eels.

> June 16 - The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

The title, at least, is improved since the last installment. They didn't call it "Th3 Fast and Th3 Furious."

> June 16 - The Lake House
>
> Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock reunite, this time in a metaphysical romance of sorts, something like the chick-flick version of "Frequency." On a scale of -10 to 10, the casting averages out to a 1 for me.

You overrate one or the other if that averages out to 1. I'm still getting -4 no matter how hard I try.

> June 16 - Bordertown
>
> Jennifer Lopez and Antonio Banderas star in this murder mystery thriller set on the Mexican border.

Jennifer Lopez is still alive? Why?

> June 16 - Nacho Libre
>
> Jack Black puts on a funny costume and dances around! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!

If he wears a big sombrero, I'm so there.

> June 30 - Click

At first, I thought this would be based on Milo Manara's famous comic series, which would be sweet. Evidently it's about Adam Sandler making stupid faces and speaking in falsetto, which is not a movie that's EVER been made before.

And as for Manara, umm, NSFW.

> June 30 - Superman Returns

I remember when this had Cage in it. In fact, I remember saying that was the dumbest casting I'd ever heard of except all those movies where Kevin Costner cast himself as Jesus and Buddha and Superman all at the same time.

And I won't respect McG until he gets a real name. Or is he covering the fact that he's actually MacGyver?

> July 7 - A Scanner Darkly

If we're lucky, Woody Harrelson will recap his hilarious character from Cheers and White Men Can't Jump and everything else Woody Harrelson has ever been in. Maybe they'll be creative and name him Woody!

> July 21 - Lady In the Water

I don't like Shyamalan anything near as much as you do, but he's okay. A bit too gimmicky for me. I was hoping this would be his edgy reimagining of Arthurian romance, but it seems that it's not to be. Shame, that; I was looking forward to M. Night Syamalan's American McGee's The Sword In The Stone.

> July 21 - The Genius Club
>
> Moreover, someone cast Stephen Baldwin as one of the geniuses and STILL wants me to take it seriously??

I will see this movie if Stephen Baldwin dies at the end, if only because I'll get a good chance to shout "all the Baldwins are dead!" in my best Mr. Garrison voice.

> July 28 - Barnyard
>
> FINALLY, a movie I'm excited about! It's a slapstick CG-animated comedy with talking animals!

Wouldn't it be funny if they advertised it like that and it turned out to be a totally serious CG retelling of Animal Farm?

Maybe that's just me. I think it would be hilarious.

> August 4 - Flags of Our Fathers
>
> Director Clint Eastwood and writer Paul Haggis, both on career highs, tell the stories of the six men who raised the flag at Iwo Jima.

I will be highly disappointed in this movie if the soundtrack doesn't contain "the Ballad of Ira Hayes."

> August 4 - The Night Listener
>
> Robin Williams stars in this thriller. The IMDb plot outline: "In the midst of his crumbling relationship, a radio show host begins speaking to his biggest fan, a young boy, via the telephone. But when questions about the boy's identity come up, the host's life is thrown into chaos."

Could be neat. Willams can be great when he puts some effort into his performance, but way too often he just naps through it and ends up as lacklustre or same-old slappsticky.

> August 9 - World Trade Center
>
> Oliver Stone's 9/11 movie is sure to be everything "United 93" apparently is not: manipulative, preachy, one-sided, melodramatic, and self-important. Stone is a gifted filmmaker, but you just can't trust what he applies those gifts to.

At least when Michael Moore made this movie, we could rest assured that it would be good for laughing at. Best synopsis of that one was "a big fat man hilariously antagonises the United States government." This one will be something like "a paranoid egocentric mopes for two hours and charges you for the privilege."

> August 11 - Zoom
>
> A.k.a, "Sky High and The Incredibles made a lot of money, so here's more!" Tim Allen stars.

Oh boy, Tim Allen! The only man I can think of offhand who got famous by grunting at the camera and still gets roles ten years later.

> August 18 - Clerks II
>
> After declaring "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" his last movie with those characters, here we are again. I guess the studios passed on "Jersey Girl Down Under."

So much for what I said about Kevin Smith not being motivated by money. Good thing I wasn't serious anyhow.

> August 18 - Snakes On a Plane
>
> The title says it all, really, doesn't it?

That title would be the best of any ordinary year, but this year gave us both Sssslither and BLOOD CAR. They should have held it back for next year.

> August 25 - Invincible
>
> Mark Wahlberg. Sports movie. All you need to know.

Mark Wahlberg is still alive? Why?