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Re: My pathetic rant
Posted By: Brunnen-G, on host
Date: Sunday, September 23, 2001, at 22:39:11
In Reply To: My pathetic rant posted by Silvercup on Sunday, September 23, 2001, at 21:25:55:

> I am seriously afraid of life. I'm only 21, but I fear spending the rest of my life alone. I always believed I would find that "special guy" during my time in college. With only one year left to go, I have a feeling I will not be finding him any time soon. Being alone is something I really do not like, so I am glad I have a roommate. My ex-boyfriend (not the last one, but the one before him) has also been a big help in making me not feel lonely, but I know we won't get married or be anything more than friends. I am determined to raise my children Jewish, which greatly reduces the amount of dateable guys, especially in the small town where I attend school.
> I have heard enough of the "you'll find someone evenutally" and the "there's a guy out there waiting for you" from people, but why is it so hard to believe? I've been hurt by friends and boyfriends so much in the past, that I think I'm starting to lose my faith in God. If I'm a good person, why do I seem to get trashed on repeatedly? It's just not fair... Please, don't respond with pity for me.

I also had many, many years of that infuriating "there's a guy out there for you" rubbish from my parents. I always used to think, "Sure, there probably is one guy who would like me among the two billion guys in the world, but what if he lives in Outer Mongolia or someplace?"

I think the answer for you, and possibly this will be of some comfort, is in that "small town" part of what you said. Don't forget that you tend to be insanely restricted in your social group from childhood right through to when you leave school. Finishing that part of your life is when you finally get a chance to make some changes and branch out into the world. Especially since you want a guy of a particular religion and there aren't many of them where you live. When you finish your degree and it comes time to find a job, don't take a job in a small town or one with a very small Jewish population. This may be a bit "it's easy for you to say", but really you have to make these decisions sometimes. If it takes longer, and is more difficult, to get a job miles from where you live, or in a big city, or even in another *country* for all I know, or whatever, then you just have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages, and make the decision.

I don't think it's any less important to make these decisions based on the available pool of people to marry, than basing them on any other future prospects for your life and career. More important, in fact, if that's what's making you unhappy.

As you probably already know, being hurt by people is a vicious circle. The more times you get hurt, the more you set yourself up for being hurt again in the future. If you're not careful, you can get to feel like you probably deserve this sort of treatment and there's no hope for you to ever find what you want. Once you start thinking like that, it'll make itself true, believe me. Don't ever think you deserve any less than what you truly want.

I hesitate to sound like I'm using the "you're still young" argument, but honestly, when I look back, my life didn't change considerably in ANY way right up until I left university. (I thought it was changing at the time, but now I realise it wasn't anything in comparison to after I left.) Some of these changes just happen, and others you have to make happen. My advice to you would be to plan now for what you can do after you finish school, keep up your faith in yourself and your faith in God, and remember you DO deserve better.

Regarding the Jewish-guy-finding problem, I think I said something similar to Monkeyman when he was wondering how to find a nice Christian girl. If you want apples and you spend all your time looking for them up an orange tree, don't blame God if you don't find any.

Brunnen-"get outta town!"G