I have been to four Broadway shows in the four years since I've been here, so that makes pompus ol' me an expert in going out for a show.

One. Broadway shows are no longer formal-wear required. At one time, it would have been scandalous to ride the subway system in anything less than a suit and tie. Now formal wear on a subway just indicates whom to mug.

This casualness of dress has extended to Broadway productions.

If you want to wear formal attire to a show, you're either there on opening night or you're making a night of it -- expensive show, expensive food later, expensive limo rental, expensive after-hours club.

Dressing up to go to the theatre means Dockers and a shirt with a collar. The last show we saw, I was wearing jeans and a good shirt. Our out-of-town guest was wearing a shirt that featured Daffy Duck saying "How 'bout some respect?" on the pocket.

Two. There were families that came all the way from one of the vowel states (Ohio, Iowa, Idaho...) to New York City to watch a musical that costs at least $65 per seat. They're probably staying in hotel rooms that cost $225+ a night.

While not the Culinary Capital of the World, NYC isn't the Culinary Hamlet of the World either. We do have some really good restaurants. Where do these tourists want to go for dinner? The Olive Garden.

Ah yes, The Olive Garden. There's some new and exotic food for you. Can't get that back in Alabama.

These are the same people who would travel to Maine to eat at a Red Lobster. No. These are the same people who would travel to Maine to eat at Long John Silver's.

Three. There are only two Broadway shows that are actually on Broadway. "Forbidden Broadway" (a spoof of the other Broadway shows) and "Annie Get Your Gun" are the two. Every other theater in town is a half-block off Broadway.

Four. If you try now, it is impossible to get tickets for "The Producers" while the original cast is performing. Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane are going to be performing through March 17th, 2002. Two weeks ago, we purchased tickets for the Feb 27th, 2002, showing. We wound up with decent seats, two hundred forty days out from now.

-Faux "Ate at Sardi's. It was covered with caricatures of famous people from the 70's. That's all I have to say about that restaurant." Pas