> The world is full of backstabbing traitors
> With pleasures to spare and sins to burn.
> They live through their lives in caring for no one,
> Never evolving, never to learn.
> ...

> Each time I watch as my dear torch is taken,
> Each time I breathe as its flame grows again.
> Each time I hope that the fire keeps on living
> But each time I see it burnt out in the end.
>
> Six billion nose-thumbers mocking my fire,
> Telling me all I was foolish to do.
> My blood spills here, on the pavement today,
> Because now it's my turn to say, "screw you."


Pliffilif, a word with you. In part, what has been described above demands a response in a similiar venue; and like Sam, this is the reply I have to give. I believe it quite likely that there are a number of people visiting this site, who may be going through a similar anguish as yours. It is foolish not to recognize that even though a crisis may come and go, the underlying strains that *provoked* that crisis are often still present. It is this recognition that I wish to address.

Normally I am hesitant to comment when you, or anyone, has given so little information on his situation. There does seem, however, to be a number of effects in your life right now which are causing you considerable distress. There is intense frustration, I think. A sense of hostile betrayal from others, and feelings of failure. And maybe a lingering sense of guilt or self-hatred? You seem to describe something like a rollercoaster ride zooming from exasperation to overwhelming indifference. Perhaps it is time to stop, take a breather, and look around yourself.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I should say I follow in the footsteps of what others have already said, which is worth repeating here. Primarily this: you REALLY need to make sure you're talking to someone who is in a position to help relieve some of the backbreaking pressures on yourself. I am not just "throwing you towards a counsellor" because it is the 'easy' thing to do, or the convenient thing for a person like me to do, when I'm sitting comfortably some hundreds of klicks away from your screen. No. I say this, because I bloody well recognize that if suicide has become a seductively attractive option to you, then the burdens which you are carrying, bodily and emotionally, really ARE getting too much for you to bear. They are moving beyond your capacity to cope. It's a warning sign; you need to find someone, whom you can trust, to help you carry the load. And believe me, such people exist, and will want to help.

Because killing yourself will NOT bring final closure to the anguish of pain and regret. Suicide never does; it only increases pain. It does not cancel the consequences of the past, or undo a broken promise. It does not 'punish' anyone who may have trampled on one person's dignity or self-respect -- simply because those 'boors' will ironically end up getting the last laugh, for various reasons that I will not detail here.

Instead the issue which I do want to discuss, and the reason that I felt compelled in the first place to respond to your thoughts here, is also something with which I struggle -- in my own heart. It's about forgiveness... and self-forgiveness. Traits that originate from God, as Sam as said. In the moments of personal extremis which you have been experiencing, and which I have been experiencing in the last few months, it might be a good idea to consider what relinguishing and mercy actually mean. Actually, I'm not talking about the potential of forgiving the "six billion backstabbing traitors" whom you mentioned in your poem. Rather, I am talking about circling back inward and focusing on forgiving YOURSELF.

What my friends have been meditating upon, and which I have realized today, is that for us to forgive ourselves does not mean that we should ever forget that which has been said or done, or that which might have injured someone, or caused us distress. To forgive myself doesn't mean I wasn't responsible for what I did or didn't do, or say. To forgive *yourself* simply means you realize it might have been possible to do something different IF you had known how. As the saying goes, experience is what you get right after you needed it. It doesn't mean forgetting or pretending that an injustice didn't happen. It DID happen, and we need to retain the lesson gained... without holding onto the pain or the resentment or the cravings for revenge.

In somewhat more concrete terms, my pastor once said that one's forgiveness can't occur until we reframe or reimagine our situation and the things -- or person(s) -- who hurt us. We need to step back, see the bigger picture, and stop telling ourselves the negative stories which constantly reinforce our unhappiness. Entire nations and ethnic groups (Jew and Arabs, blacks and whites, etc) as well as individuals remain stuck in resentment, in part because they can't imagine NEW stories beyond the story of their own pain. And so it is the same with you and me.

You have said in your previous post, and I have thought these same words: "I am scum," you wrote. Well duh, I'll just say it -- we ARE scumbags filled with water and bones and lies and pus. I find myself utterly revolting to myself.... bleahck. But, the wonder of it is that I believe we really /can/ be forgiven for our utter scumminess by the Creator himself. In a reflection of that love and mercy, you can forgive yourself too. By forgiving yourself, apology can become a gift -- an "I'm sorry" to yourself -- instead of a dangerous plea bargain where your life, and by extension the lives of your loved ones, end up being lost to bitter desperation... like in Sakura's story. I say to you then, choose yourself, forgive yourself -- for you, for your family, and for HER, your friend.

Donna