Greetings! Alright, it's been a while... I stopped in the chat room on New Year's Eve for a little while and promised I'd be back; I am still dreadfully behind on the Forum, but if I wait until I read all the previous posts before I post, it's going to be another millennium. So the whole story of why I've been gone is mostly boring, but there was a brief stopover at The Job From The Nether Realms, which I'm going to post mostly because I had the rant already written. :-P

Background: I started looking for work as soon as I moved to Melbourne (late August), putting in applications everywhere I saw a "Help Wanted" sign - *except* for foodservice jobs. I went on 2 or 3 interviews, but for the most part, out of >20 applications, not even a call back, not even when I came back in person to inquire about my application (which I find much, much easier than calling on the telephone). Getting pressure from my mother constantly about the issue, I finally figured, OK, I might as well put in an app at Kentucky Fried Chicken, since they are right next door. Figures; I was hired that day.

I hated it. For one thing, I was the only introvert on a crew on rampant extroverts, who treated me like I was a retard because I was quiet and reserved. Also, the level of interaction with the customers was driving me insane. You have to ask for so many options and choices, it's an extended encounter. I couldn't take it; I was starting to act like a spaz at work. I was mentally and physically drained when I got home, and would start to get headaches and nausea about 2 hours before my shift began. This really isn't generally considered to be a good sign, so 3 weeks after I started, I was gone.

One thing that astonished me was the indecision some people had over something so simple as an order of fried chicken. I mean, it takes me a long time to decide things, especially if they don't really matter, but I make it a practice to decide what I want before I get to the end of the restaurant line. If two choices are so equally appealing (or, as in the case of fried chicken, revolting) that I can't decide, I pick whichever one is strongest in my mind when I'm asked for my order. (Or whichever is cheapest. :-P) These people, however... well, I wrote a little rant about it.

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Original or Extra Crispy?

Ever seen the bit - I forget where; from You've Got Mail, maybe? - about how coffee bars are for people who can't make decisions to make several totally unimportant decisions before 9 a.m.? "Let's see, I'll have a half-caf mocha latte with..." I think KFC is the Southern version. People will spend forever in front of that counter making up their minds. It's not hard. You can get fried chicken, fried chicken, or fried chicken. There are no other options; no McShakers here. If you're really adventurous, you can get fried chicken on a sandwich. The picky people are actually easier to deal with, because they will state exactly what they want in 30 seconds or less. There's nothing like watching someone who would like original or extra crispy equally well agonizing over the fateful decision.

"Would you like to mix it up?" I'll ask, helpfully.

"Um... well... let me think for a minute." And another minute. And another. "Okay, crispy. That's the stuff on the top, right?"

"Mm-hmm. Breast and wing or thigh and leg?"

"Ah...." Another tentative reply: "Um, breast and wing?"

Are you asking me or telling me? "OK. So which side orders would you like with that?" We have 7 side orders. You can pick any two of them, with most meal specials. Most people, not having my gastronomical peculiarities, like them all. They will spend 15 minutes wavering between mashed potatoes and baked beans or cole slaw and fries. If I pulled two side orders out at random, they would probably be relieved that the decision would be made for them. *I* would be relieved that the decision had been made for them. I wouldn't care about the result of the decision, so I could choose without any personal baggage getting in the way. They would be relieved that the decision had been made by an outside force, like flipping a coin. It's always the most insignificant decisions that trouble you, because they matter so little there's nothing strongly pulling you to one side or the other.

In fact, I have two proposals to this effect: 1. The addition of a "grab bag" option on the side order menu - if you like them all and can't decide, we'll pick for you. 2. Coins or dice sitting on the table for people to flip or roll for their side order choice. This would also work for the Original/Extra Crispy dilemma. It would make perfect sense, which is why no one will ever actually do this. Even if the customer gets corn and realizes then that cole slaw would be a much better option, exchanging it will still be quicker than waiting for the decision to be reached without the aid of these devices would be.

"Ummm... ummm... corn?" I nod helpfully, indicating, that yes, it *is* a valid choice; KFC is not in the habit of placing things on the menu board under "Side Orders" unless you really can choose them. "And, um, cole slaw? No, mashed potatoes. No, wait. Cole slaw. Yeah."

"Alright," I say, in acknowledgment, and ring it up before enough time has elapsed for a mind to change. "Will there be anything else for you? How about a drink?"

On the display of the little touch-screen cash register: "Don't forget to suggestive sell!" Presumably this does not mean dressing provocatively and asking in a low, breathy voice whether one would prefer breasts, thighs, or legs (I don't want to know where wings would fit into this), so I usually ask about a drink. Beats the standard "Would you like fries with that?".

(N. B. They're not actually fries. They're "wedges", because they are wedge-shaped. No one cares. They are still fries, "home fries" if you prefer, and no one calls them wedges except the store manager, especially not the customers, who are always asking if we have fries.)

"A drink doesn't come with it?" Would I be asking if you wanted one if it did? "Um..."

At this point I interrupt, knowing full well that the customer is about to debate the relative merits of Pepsi and Slice. "What size? You can choose your own drink at the fountain," I add, pointing out the tea, lemonade, and water dispensers as well. "If you're eating in, the small is the best deal, since you get free refills." An affirmative nod. "OK, that'll be..."

"Oh, wait, I have a coupon!" This is more annoying than it may seem, because you have to punch in the coupon at the very beginning of the order before you've taken down the choices. Cancel order, re-enter with coupon code. Does no one ever pay attention to the "please present before ordering" statement?

"OK, that'll be..."

"That's still awfully expensive."

Thank you for pointing that out. I had no idea that was expensive for some fat and breading with a little bit of chicken meat, some flaked mashed potatoes with powdered gravy, and mayonnaise-soaked cabbage, and, of course, I *personally* set the prices just to tick you off. I give my best "I just work here" shrug and take the money. Next!
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So there you are. Now I work at a supermarket(the "Some Form of I.D." chat archive is *much* funnier to me now that I have to ask people for them myself), am 90% sure I will be at college on January 15th, and really, really need to get my uniform out of the dryer before my shift starts, so until next time, happy new *real* millennium.

-Fob"nice to be back"ulis...