I had an epiphany last night.

Lately I have been having trouble sleeping. Insomnia strikes me once or twice a year, usually for 2-3 days at a time. This time it's been two weeks. I felt tired all the time, listless really. I didn't want to do any work or spend time with anyone. I mostly stayed in my room and immersed myself in the Internet. It was a most depressing time in my life.

Then, last night happened. I was in the shower and found myself crying. Just a little bit, but I had no logical explanation for why I could possible be upset. I went to bed and, realizing that I wouldn't be able to sleep for a while, decided to read a book. At 1:00 in the morning I finished it. I must say it was one of the most amazing books I've ever read, and it got me thinking. It's about a girl who has everything going for her, she's pretty, she knows what she wants to do with her life, and she has the guts to go out and do it. And then, the unthinkable happens. She is cooking lunch one day and catches on fire from the stove. She is burned horribly over 20% of her body. Through her recovery time, she comes to know Jesus in an intimate, personal way. He helps her survive her ordeals, and she comes closer to understanding His love for her.

When I finally put the book down, I rolled over onto my back and thought long and hard about my life. You know, it's funny, I never thought about how good I really have it. I'm healthy, I have good friends, a great family, and I belong to a wonderful church that I love. So, why was I having such trouble lately? I thought back to a particular time in my life that I had been having trouble reconciling. Something horrible almost happened to me then, but it didn't. So, what was my problem?

After wrestling with myself for awhile, reading scriptures, and praying for understanding, I think I found an answer.

I wanted to be a survivor and I wasn't...how unfair is that? It would be so much easier if I'd had something awful happen to me. If I had been able to recover from some horrible illness, or struggle through some terrible life change, and be all the stronger for my trials. But nothing like that had ever happened to me. So I have to be happy and smile all the time, and there is nothing more depressing than that... especially when you want to be able to say "Look what I did! I survived. I'm strong because this happened to me." As Fox Mulder once said "I've always wanted a peg leg. It's a boyhood thing I never grew out of. I'm not being flippant; I've given this a lot of thought. I mean, if you have a peg leg or hooks for hands then maybe it's enough to simply keep on living. You know, bravely facing life with your disability. But without these things you're actually meant to make something of your life, achieve something earn a raise, wear a necktie."

So, last night I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself. To go out into the world and be happy with whatever life hands me. To hold my head high and say: "I'm so glad to be me." To do my best to serve my God and my fellowman. From now on, I'm going to try to think of other people more than I think of myself. I'm going to take time to smell, not only the roses, but the dandelions, also.