Crime wave continues with more thefts, burglaries
"I admit that we are baffled," said Fantasy's chief of police today. "Who on earth would take some of these things? What reason could they have? A few of the items stolen have been valuable, but most of them are incredibly mundane objects which can be of no conceivable use to the thief. We believe it must be the work of a seriously disturbed individual."
Just a few of the items reported stolen: a box of nails; a large number of carrots and onions; a net; a blue rubber ball; a jewelled dagger; a winter coat; a boat and fishing rod; a sword; and a device for tapping sap from maple trees.
Police warn citizens that the thief has been able to steal from extremely well-protected locations. He or she also apparently returns to particularly difficult areas again and again, until the desired item can be taken. "The evidence suggests that on some occasions, the thief tried no less than twenty times over a period of several weeks to get into a building to take a useless object of no monetary value, which could have easily been obtained legitimately from any store," said the head of the investigation. "This person is either very, very persistent or very, very stupid."
"We are not ruling out both."
Residents of Fantasy have responded with shock and disgust to the crimes. "I just can't believe something like this would happen here," said Mr. GrahOOOgrahr, a cyclops. "Everybody around here has had items taken, or knows somebody who has. It's completely unbelievable." Another Enchanted Forest resident, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the thief even took a nail he had hammered into a tree, "almost the minute my back was turned."
Most vocal in his outrage has been Mr. Snorri "Fruitloop" Throfssonsson, whose farming business has been plagued by persistent losses. Throfssonsson, a dwarf, was forced to stop growing carrots after so many of them were stolen that it became uneconomical. "I diversified into onions and now those are getting stolen too," he said. "I mean, who on earth needs twenty onions at a time? There is absolutely nothing you can do with twenty onions at a time. Nothing, I tell you!"
"I noticed that somebody has been trying to get at my grapefruit orchard, too," Throfssonsson said. "Does this guy think I'm made of money? I put a lot of work into that orchard; I have a living to make. It's not as if grapefruits grow on trees, you know."
Although there is still no firm evidence, most people privately believe the culprit is not a Fantasy citizen. "We have not ruled out that this person might be making regular excursions into Fantasy for the purpose of theft," said the chief of police. "We have not even ruled out that there might be more than one person involved, or even a large number of them. Our investigations are continuing. In the meantime, we urge all citizens to keep an eye out for anybody who strikes you as odd in any way."
"You know, just somebody who is being weird," he added.
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Article by C. Patrick.